me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-