[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”