Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
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Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.