Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.