Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Weighing up my bread heating options
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room