interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
thank god
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
#Caturday
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman