Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Lucky old June.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]