Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
wish me luck lads
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.