Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You Might Also Like
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA