My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Encore…
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here