“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.