PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”