Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..