interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Is fake venison called venisn’t
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.