Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.