If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.