“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
#dnd #ttrpg