The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???