If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.