Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”