[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Finally!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Every haunted house movie:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood