Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.