This pepper has seen some shit
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Nice try, NASA
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Thursday
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die