Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
You Might Also Like
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’m not wrong
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I just tested negative for patience.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”