The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
sir, my pâté if you please
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
But wait…
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.