“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
A friend helps you before you need it
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
podcasts
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]