friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.