HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.