Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
mathematically impossible
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do