When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
me hooking up with my ex
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Sharon, call the vet
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN