For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
peak technology
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
oh u like geography? name every lake
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones