Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Wednesday
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
How long do you have to wait between naps?