Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Shoo shoo! 😂
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.