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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I can’t stop watching this.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Cool shirt 🙂
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
New favorite tiktok
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*