If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
mom gave me mine for free
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.