Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
rich people when they have to pay taxes
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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