When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”