[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Okay
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*