what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do