People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Geez man, take it easy.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”