“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
this isn’t threatening at all
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
(Jupiter –
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?