All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
You Might Also Like
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Holy crap this is wonderful
my name if I was in the mob
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it