Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start