*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.