At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You Might Also Like
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
two people or more is called a problem
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied