Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You Might Also Like
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
getting groceries
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life