Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine