Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.