pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me trying to look natural in photos