Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
You Might Also Like
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented